What is it that I want?
A few days ago I decided to have a look at some old posts on this blog, since I might be the only one who's actually reading this shit, and realized that posts from two fucking years ago were about the same things I'm still writing. After two years, a trip to Europe, lost of money earned/spent, headaches, heartaches, fun times and new people, I find myself in the exactly same position. I was hoping for the 180, but the 360 took place.

I honestly, honestly tell you that coming back wasn't in my plans at all, but there was no possibility of me staying there any longer. As I was walking to my work this afternoon, under rain, I just looked around and didn't feel right. I don't belong here and this is something I figured out the moment I set foot in London. London can be a difficult city to live in if you don't make reasonable cash, but also gives you possibilities to make this money if you're willing to work hard. It's sad being here and seeing people working their asses off and earning close to nothing at the end of the month, and if they complain they get sacked and another sucker will kiss some stinky asses to keep their badly paid salaries. I'm sick and tired of it and makes me feel ashamed of having been born here.
The constant feeling of fear when walking, being afraid of walking after 8pm because you might be mugged just around the corner. Is that living?

On the other hand, I wonder if I threw possibilities down the drain as well. What have I learned in London? Poland? Well, one thing I learned for sure, that I don't wanna beg anymore. My time begging for things is over, I'm done with that, finished for good. I'm sick and tired of seeing people living the good life while I barely get by, not without the help from my family, always.
But it's harder when you don't know where you real place is. I don't know where I'm supposed to be, I just know where I'm NOT supposed to be, but I don't think that having this clear in mind is helping at all, on the contrary, it makes the whole situation get worse.
The sad part of all this is that I had the same doubts nearly ten years ago. Haven't I learned anything AT ALL?
What is it that I want? What is it that is missing?