"I'm so much older than I can take..."

I had the afternoon off because Electrolux canceled the class. I slept - or tried to sleep - a little, couldn't decompress. Atmosphere hasn't been the best, sometimes I don't know what to do. It seems that I'm always looking for a brand new start, but when? Where? Can I afford it pushing 30s?
After days of sun and torrential rain at midday due to the hot temperature we finally had a whole sunny day. As I didn't have to work I thought I would do laundry. But then I opened the drawer in my night stand and found a few brochures from London, which Ronaldo took last time he was there and left at the apartment in Catford. I started looking at them and thinking about all those things I hadn't done when living there just because I was living there and thought I would for a long time, at least one more year. I felt like going to Convent Garden, Tate Modern, Greenwitch... all the tourist attractions that I avoided all the time I was in London. I felt like eating that shitty McDonald's cheeseburger, 79p. Afterwards going to ABO and having a pint reading The Guardian. Pint. I still call my beer pint. Back then I hated that routine. Well, maybe not hated because my friends were there. But I was kinda fed up with it and now I miss it badly.
I'm starting to worry about things and the future. Money. Family. Visa. Work. What now? People say I still look young, but in the paper the year that I was born will be there all the time and following me forever. I don't wanna be lonely but I can't seem to find anything that pleases me. Once I had nobody but I had my friends. Now I've got nothing. And people here aren't willing to take a chance. But who is? Does anybody want to take a chance when they're over 30? Am I the only one? When am I gonna grow up?
I thought about throwing all the papers up in the air and get the hell out of here, but I'm too scared to do it by myself. A brand new start, that's what I want but I'm afraid to do it. I guess in the end it all comes to money and age. The bartender here at Kolory is going to Australia, he's 23 and fearless. I wish I had the guts.
But then I wonder if the people I would find in a different place would be willing to take a chance. Yeah... I'm definitely the wrong one who doesn't fit and I'm not making any effort to change it. I don't wanna change... Once I said that I missed my old self and I still do. Is it so hard to find somebody out there? For 29 years it's been proved true, but I still have some hope. Some hope, man...
People don't wear deodorant here, it's awful. They all stink. Everybody stinks. I think I'm stinking myself.

I thought about all this when looking at those brochures. I couldn't do laundry. I took the lap top and came to have a pint. I'm half way through and for sure I'm asking for the second one.

"All alone the broadening skies
Under the every night I will lie
Scratching claw and grip the rails
Every day my living hell
Oh God you know I've tried
I know how hard I tried
and oh I tried......
Hey I'd like to daze away to a
Place no one has known
In a state of mind I could call mine
That only I could own
Where I could hum a tune anytime
I choose, and then there is no such thing as time
Where I can feel no pain just calm and sane
What a place for one to find
Now you see I'm watching everything
I do and they're watching everything I say
Why wont they leave me be?
Why am I even here? I wonder
You leave me wondering
Won't you stop watching me
I said they're watching me, watching me, watching me
Now in my corner I got the ceiling in my eyes
Arms holding up my knees
And rocking back and forth's my life
I didn't mean to feel this way
When I walked into the door, Lord
Then they ripped away my memories
And I cant remember who I was before.

And I only wanted to be 16 and free"