"I'm so much older than I can take..."

I had the afternoon off because Electrolux canceled the class. I slept - or tried to sleep - a little, couldn't decompress. Atmosphere hasn't been the best, sometimes I don't know what to do. It seems that I'm always looking for a brand new start, but when? Where? Can I afford it pushing 30s?
After days of sun and torrential rain at midday due to the hot temperature we finally had a whole sunny day. As I didn't have to work I thought I would do laundry. But then I opened the drawer in my night stand and found a few brochures from London, which Ronaldo took last time he was there and left at the apartment in Catford. I started looking at them and thinking about all those things I hadn't done when living there just because I was living there and thought I would for a long time, at least one more year. I felt like going to Convent Garden, Tate Modern, Greenwitch... all the tourist attractions that I avoided all the time I was in London. I felt like eating that shitty McDonald's cheeseburger, 79p. Afterwards going to ABO and having a pint reading The Guardian. Pint. I still call my beer pint. Back then I hated that routine. Well, maybe not hated because my friends were there. But I was kinda fed up with it and now I miss it badly.
I'm starting to worry about things and the future. Money. Family. Visa. Work. What now? People say I still look young, but in the paper the year that I was born will be there all the time and following me forever. I don't wanna be lonely but I can't seem to find anything that pleases me. Once I had nobody but I had my friends. Now I've got nothing. And people here aren't willing to take a chance. But who is? Does anybody want to take a chance when they're over 30? Am I the only one? When am I gonna grow up?
I thought about throwing all the papers up in the air and get the hell out of here, but I'm too scared to do it by myself. A brand new start, that's what I want but I'm afraid to do it. I guess in the end it all comes to money and age. The bartender here at Kolory is going to Australia, he's 23 and fearless. I wish I had the guts.
But then I wonder if the people I would find in a different place would be willing to take a chance. Yeah... I'm definitely the wrong one who doesn't fit and I'm not making any effort to change it. I don't wanna change... Once I said that I missed my old self and I still do. Is it so hard to find somebody out there? For 29 years it's been proved true, but I still have some hope. Some hope, man...
People don't wear deodorant here, it's awful. They all stink. Everybody stinks. I think I'm stinking myself.

I thought about all this when looking at those brochures. I couldn't do laundry. I took the lap top and came to have a pint. I'm half way through and for sure I'm asking for the second one.

"All alone the broadening skies
Under the every night I will lie
Scratching claw and grip the rails
Every day my living hell
Oh God you know I've tried
I know how hard I tried
and oh I tried......
Hey I'd like to daze away to a
Place no one has known
In a state of mind I could call mine
That only I could own
Where I could hum a tune anytime
I choose, and then there is no such thing as time
Where I can feel no pain just calm and sane
What a place for one to find
Now you see I'm watching everything
I do and they're watching everything I say
Why wont they leave me be?
Why am I even here? I wonder
You leave me wondering
Won't you stop watching me
I said they're watching me, watching me, watching me
Now in my corner I got the ceiling in my eyes
Arms holding up my knees
And rocking back and forth's my life
I didn't mean to feel this way
When I walked into the door, Lord
Then they ripped away my memories
And I cant remember who I was before.

And I only wanted to be 16 and free"

Just make it stop, man...

I had the afternoon class canceled and decided to come to Kolory with the laptop.
I've been tired, you know?
Walking in this hot sun might be helping me lose weight, but I'm abolutely exhausted.
I miss my friends. I wanted to hang out with them again but I don't see that happening any time soon.
I want out. Again.

"The music was new
black polished chrome
And came over the summer
like liquid night.
The DJ's took pills to stay awake
and play for seven days
They went to the studio
And someone knew him
Someone knew the TV showman
He came to our homeroom party
and played records
And when he left in the hot noon sun
and walked to his car
We saw the chooks had written
F-U-C-K on his windshield
He wiped it off with a rag
and smiling cooly drove away
He's rich. Got a big car"

Have you ever felt like telling everybody to fuck off? Just like that, out of the blue and screaming your lungs out? I don't think I can keep doing this, it's making me crazy. Everybody has black spots in their past, but I think I've gone too far. I'm afraid to talk to people. Just wanna be left alone. But they keep asking me questions and I don't know what to say anymore. Literally. I just stare.
I wish I could travel to the furthest place possible; out of sight, out of mind.