That's all, folks...

This blog is coming to an end. My time in Europe was great (with ups and downs, surely) but I left the place several months ago and really there's no point in keeping writing here.


However, the new site I'll be writing my shit down is
MovEis^e-UtenSiLios
Thanks for reading.
Cheers...

No time at all

Yeah, it's gonna be a long summer indeed. But if you think about time, we're already nearing the end of the month, so this is actually reassuring. I've been so busy these days that the mere idea of loging on and writing makes my body ache. But in the end busy is good, busy means money and I need it now more than ever.
I'm looking forward to moving out of the house, to finally getting the chance to live my life without anybody telling me what to do and when to do it. I need some sort of structure especially when it comes to money because so far I haven't actually cared about it, except for the time spent in Poland. However, saving up has never been an easy task to be accomplished. I've never been able to resist a good DVD offer (or three, as happend last week. My new acquisitions were 'Jackie Brown' [necessary], 'Fahrenheit 9/11' and 'The War') or the good old 15 beers (it can never be two, of course). But that also means that I'll get to enjoy sometime indoors, MY indoors! I don't go out for real party anyway so I might as well sepnd less cash. Speaking of cash, I've downloaded Johnny Cash Live at Folsom Prison. So great! To be honest, I've been meaning to get something from the guy since my short stay in L.A. (almos five years ago!), when Ro wanted me to listen to some of his songs, but I guess in the whole packing process the CD was forgotten . I'm so happy with this new item of music, and this one didn't cost me a niquel, fortunately!
But the whole thing of moving out has been stalled for 15 more days after the arranged date, which really put me down for a while but as I said earlier, being busy has helped me keep it together. I think the only moment that is hard on me is what I'm experiencing right now. It's 6:50pm of Friday and I'm at the corner's bar having a beer, cigarettes and listening to The Police Live in Rio (Matheus gave it to me, thanks man!). I'm glad to have the friends that I do, but the moment they have other things to do, either for leisure or work-related reasons, I feel lost. I have no acquaintances, people to just sit down with and talk shit while drinking. Adri has to work on weekends at the beach, Matheus has this graduation party to go tonight and Lula, well, Lula is a guy that I haven't seen ia a looooong while. I guess during all this time I've been in the city I've seen Ramiro more than him, I told him that! I don't blame him, of course, his life has changed and I cannot demand things the way they were two years ago, before London. But I miss the guy, you know?

I miss dancing. It was so good... Either London at the occasional Polish Party or O'neills or in Krakow on Saturdays at Cocon. Bailinho first, of course.
Another thing that is making feel bad is not writing to my distant friends, especially Ronaldo. The rare moments I log on, usually at night after my intentive course, I just check my work mail, check Orkut, shut the computer down and go to sleep. I've seen his messages trying to get in touch with me but I simply can't write just to say I'm alive. The whole plan we had just went down the drain and for the moment is not something that I'm thinking about. When I got the job I decided that this year I would spend here, sorting some things out and then for 2009 I would figure out what to do. However, I've been thinking about going back to college. In fact, this was something that I considered doing the moment I set foot in POA, but with the whole SF thing I miss the vestibular date. Well, I can take the test every year, but that means spending at least four more years here until graduation, assuming, of course, I passed the goddamn test.
And after many drunken conversations with Adri throughout the last four months, the idea of Portugal started to sound not that bad. This is something to be cultivated.
Work has been good, but exhausting. I'm at this whole new level now. The school has a pretty laid-back policy, people are not too demanding but you are aware from day one of what you're supposed to be doing.
The immersion program is a good idea the guys had, but we have to work much harder to provide students with what they need because their company is demanding from them to learn the language asap. My intensive course student are the best. I have nine people in class, three hours a day everyday, and this has been wearing me off! Hopefully I'll be assign to teach intensives in February as well.
Speaking of February, it's birthday month.
Well, this is something for another post...

07's almost gone

Saying good-bye to 2007.
I don't wanna do the "cash up", I think you've read it along the year you might have an idea of what I went through during this year. But I can tell you about how these last couple of weeks went, and I should say OK-towards bottom.
It's been incredibly, absurdly hot, you feel as if you'll pass out at any second and you do anything to stay indoors (with an AC if possible). However, as staying indoors is not an option I started to get a lot of buses because it was too fucking unbearable to do my normal walking. As a result, I've been putting on the undesirable weight that took me months and hundreds of hours of walking and sweat to lose. I'm eating more as well, so you do the math. I can't let it happen but there's no way I can walk the way I used to in this fucking summer, and I'm too afraid of walking home from downtown at 10pm. I guess two summers in a row haven't made me good...

Then Xmas came along. I'd forgotten how miserable it was to spend it as a family but the moment I walked in my granparents' apartment it all came back very vividly. What a nightmare, the complaints never stop, never... No booze is allowed in the house and watching "Missa do Galo" was definitely the little cherry on top.
So I promissed to myself never put up with this again. I don't need to. So, for New Year's Eve, as I'm still not in the new apartment (that shithead needed 30 days to move out...) and mom's trip was a joke, I'm staying home alone, at least for a few hours, and try to welcome the new year the way I want to. Well, the way I want to might not happen exactly like I want to, but I'll try.

I don't know what to expect from 2008; staying alive, I guess, and paying the bills, I guess. Having some fun would be nice, too, but that would be asking for too much, right?
I honestly just wanted to have money and time to travel for a long weekend next year. That's all.
And of course, to keep the same job for more than 18 months.

Should I keep on blogging?

Yeap, I haven't been around much, for a number of reasons.
To begin with, I thought about the whole idea of keeping on writing on this blog. I haven't been in London in a while now and it's been almost four months that I'm no longer away, I'm very much here, in POA, doing a lot but not doing much, if you know what I mean. Well, now that I'm working for Cultural and possibly two other schools time is something that I'm running short of, and now the moment I get home I just don't want to sit in front of a computer and type about what's been going on, maybe because I spend such a long time preparing lessons that after I'm done I just want to chill and watch House. And I try to be outdoors as much as I can, too hot to stay at home and now I'm kinda learning how to spend some time alone and drinking, thanks to my iPod. That's why I haven't written anymore.

Next week will be my last working week of 2007. I have two students at Cultural and no more classes at Hello, not until January 2. I've been working at this immersion program, basically Business English, and the student spends ten hours a day speaking English and studying, so there are a few teachers who spend those ten hours with the person, including lunch and breaks, each one has a different subject to work on. It's pretty interesting but very demanding as well, because these students work for a big company which will implement a new system next year and they need to interact with their American peers either as visitors or hosts or through conference calls. So, they need results and are expected to reach a certain level asap.

After being denied a visa to the US I decided to wait a while and see what happens next year. We've been looking for apartments for me and I think we finally found something. If everything works out I'm looking to move out of here before New Year's Day. This is gonna be new for me but I need to go through this before thinking of leaving town again. I missed my chance when I was up there and now I'm aware that it's difficult to get anywhere.
So what I'll try to do this next year is to save some cash for either a big trip or shorter ones, like going to Montevideo, Santiago or even Buenos Aires again, since my first time there wasn't fully enjoyed. I wanted to go to Sao Paulo again, maybe in the winter. But now I'll have to pay the bills for real, big difference. And I don't know how my schedule will be next year, I don't know if I'll have any long weekends or days off (that I miss about Europe, vacation every three months if necessary). But I think one thing at a time is the right thing to do and I want to enjoy being alone, finally.

I don't know what else to say, maybe because there's nothing else to say since you've heard it all and honestly, it wouldn't be different here, in Buenos Aires, London or wherever. I need one more thing in my life and it's not totally up to me, whatever I could've done I already did and I don't know what else to do. I got tired in these past two years and I want to take a break, a 'gap year' if you will, even though I expect some hard work in the following months.
But I must confess that I feel strange being in Brazil after two years spending the holidays abroad; the weather, the people... things just don't match.
I can't wait to move out.

Fuckers

Really, I don't know what to do.
As I predicted yesterday, the day turned out to be unbelieveably beautiful, clear blue sky, the perfect temperature - not that boiling hot humid day that makes you feel like killing yourself.
However, as I was watching TV and just chilling on a Saturday out-of-money afternoon, out of the fucking blue, I was told to leave the house in a period of five minutes because mom had a visitor coming. I had actual five minutes to put something on and leave the fucking house with no fucking money in my pocket and no fucking place to go.
...
I don't know what to say.
I wandered for awhile, not being able to do anything, and believe me, if I had cash I would've sat in the first bar I found and not come back until late. I was dying to get out of the house for sure, not to be thrown out. Well, if I tell you that I was totally out of cash I'll be lying. I had exactly R$ 1,05 in my pocket and I went to the shop on the corner and bought five single Marlboro cigarettes, 20 cents each. Now I have officially five cents until the 10th, which is the day that I'm supposed to get paid and unfortunately it's gonna be a Saturday, so I don't know if I'm actually getting the money on this day or I will have to wait until the next bank day to put my hands on it.
God only knows that what I needed right now was five or six bottles of beer and two packs of Marlboro. I can't think right, honestly.
I'm so pissed off at everything that I'm about to explode.
I'm angry at those bastards who made me spend all my money, at this fucking computer that has disappeared with my fucking sound for more than a month and I can't listen to ANYTHING IN HERE!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the result of six days and no booze. All over again.

Love Street - good to listen to Doors

The holiday is officially over. It's 1am of a Saturday that looks promising regarding weather but unpromising when it comes to going out.
I've been sitting in my bed for an hour, listening to Ipanema FM, and I've just listened to the third The Doors' song. It's nice when you listen to something you like so much on the radio or outside your house; I just can't put one single Door's song in my iPod, don't ask me why. I'm into my London playlist now, especially Ordinary Boys. I miss kowing all the new bands and lauches and buying CDs at HMV. I bought a lot of those when in London, by far the place I've made most money up to now.
Got a call from another language school yesterday but it was a missed call. Let's see how it works out. Also handed a few CVs in some places, more business oriented, one of them is hiring. December's coming and I want out.

"She lives on Love Street
Lingers long on Love Street
She has a house and garden
I would like to see what happens

She has robes and she has monkeys
Lazy diamond studded flunkies
She has wisdom and knows what to do
She has me and she has you
She has wisdom and knows what to do
She has me and she has you

I see you live on Love Street
There's this store where the creatures meet
I wonder what they do in there
Summer Sunday and a year
I guess I like it fine, so far

She lives on Love Street
Lingers long on Love Street
She has a house and garden
I would like to see what happens
La, la, la, la, la, la, la"

Great song. Ipanema selection:
Alabama Song, Spanish Caravan, Love Street.

What is it that I want?
A few days ago I decided to have a look at some old posts on this blog, since I might be the only one who's actually reading this shit, and realized that posts from two fucking years ago were about the same things I'm still writing. After two years, a trip to Europe, lost of money earned/spent, headaches, heartaches, fun times and new people, I find myself in the exactly same position. I was hoping for the 180, but the 360 took place.

I honestly, honestly tell you that coming back wasn't in my plans at all, but there was no possibility of me staying there any longer. As I was walking to my work this afternoon, under rain, I just looked around and didn't feel right. I don't belong here and this is something I figured out the moment I set foot in London. London can be a difficult city to live in if you don't make reasonable cash, but also gives you possibilities to make this money if you're willing to work hard. It's sad being here and seeing people working their asses off and earning close to nothing at the end of the month, and if they complain they get sacked and another sucker will kiss some stinky asses to keep their badly paid salaries. I'm sick and tired of it and makes me feel ashamed of having been born here.
The constant feeling of fear when walking, being afraid of walking after 8pm because you might be mugged just around the corner. Is that living?

On the other hand, I wonder if I threw possibilities down the drain as well. What have I learned in London? Poland? Well, one thing I learned for sure, that I don't wanna beg anymore. My time begging for things is over, I'm done with that, finished for good. I'm sick and tired of seeing people living the good life while I barely get by, not without the help from my family, always.
But it's harder when you don't know where you real place is. I don't know where I'm supposed to be, I just know where I'm NOT supposed to be, but I don't think that having this clear in mind is helping at all, on the contrary, it makes the whole situation get worse.
The sad part of all this is that I had the same doubts nearly ten years ago. Haven't I learned anything AT ALL?
What is it that I want? What is it that is missing?

Dream's over

"The dream is over..."
Two months, several hundred reais, documents, people involved, stress and a dangerous borough. In two days I went from superconfident to apalled bastard.
I was denied the visa.

It's been a couple of strange months since I came from Poland. I didn't think life could be worse than it was, but apparently I was wrong. Since I landed here I've been dealing with a mother desperate to kick me out of the house, lack of money, not much work and the near future looking bleak as the holidays are around the corner and I don't know what I'll do to survive.
I got this job at this place that gave me only a few hours to work, the same problem many teachers have, and the structure to perform the job isn't the best.
My plan A was to apply for the fucking visa. And you know what? Deep inside I was totally confident that I was gonna get it, why shouldn't I, for Pete's sake?
Even though I was scared of what was gonna happen abroad, I thought that at least the visa, after trying unsuccessfully to build a career here in Brazil, would allow me to try and get something out there.
I got the papers, I was advised by an agency and set off to Sao Paulo for the interview. I traveled last Tuesday and different from the other times in SP, I found myself in the middle of Capao Redondo because I had no other place to stay.
I was almost out of cash. I had to borrow money and spent all I had here on fees. I spent half my money on cabs in SP and I promissed never again to stay out of the walking-distance perimeter around Av. Paulista.
I honestly love SP, but I would never, ever, EVER consider staying or living in a place other than the downtown area (surrounding areas). After the initial shock when I arrived in the city Tuesday night, with a light rain falling and a slightly cold temperature, I when to sleep at Fe's cousin's place. Anderson and his family couldn't have treated me better, but I need to confess that the area affected me big time.
On Wednesday I needed to go to Conjunto Nacional because I had to sort out my tax-back situation and the office was there. The rain was now pouring and it took me two hours to arrive there. I got to the building but the office'd already been closed. I couldn't believe it! After all that obscenely long 2-bus journey (actually 3-bus journey; I had to change buses in the middle of the ride because it'd broken down), all the patience, getting soaked, everything I did was in vain. I got annoyed and just one thing could cheer me up a little: booze.
I sat in one of those bars on a street crossing Paulista and asked for the 500ml beer, the pint, which I drainded in 20 minutes. Three beers followed the first one and I have to tell you that leaving the bar was a difficult job to perform. The breeze was cool, I had my cigarettes and my paper and pen to write some shit down and a football match on TV. I thought about a lot of stuff too, stupid things mostly (what a surprise).
At 9:20pm I was at the bus stop and waited for the fucking thing for one solid hour, and the fucking thing was fucking crowded. Bottom line is that I got home at midnight. I was exhausted and hungry and had the most nerve-wrecking day awaiting me.

Everything went worng. My interview lasted 20 seconds after staying there for three hours. It was a joke and I don't want to talk about it now. Still mourning.
I had arranged to go to Ubatuba and spend a day at Fe's place, but I couldn't see myself taking a subway to Terminal Tiete and facing a 4-hour journey to the beach on a shitty weather. I took a cab and headed for the airport. My flight was scheduled for Saturday afternoon but I couldn't stay there one more minute, even if I wanted to. So, after nearly begging on my knees to get on the first flight to Porto Alegre, they allowed me to board after paying a R$ 100 fee for rescheduling my flight. That was all I got in my purse. In fact, I had R$ 104 and some coins. But I had to negotiate this deal because they wanted to charge me the difference between tickets (I'd bought a promo one) and that amount was R$ 170.
But I got it for less and all I needed to do was wait for two hours and board. I bought some water and the paper. Always the paper.

I got in Porto Alegre tired and pissed off and smelling. I took the bus home but at least the suitcase was small. I met Adri and we had beers, I needed that badly for sure.

Now I need to get my thoughts together. Shit.

Something strange happened today. I'm confused.

3rd week

Those were taken last Saturday, my third week in Poa. Myself, Adri, Lunara, Tiago and a Turkish guy, whose name I don't know for sure but sounds like David, were trying to find some place to dance but it was all crap. The Turkish guy was actually sick, he looked a little funny.

We couldn't decide on where to go so we all went home around 1am. Real waste of time. I was good to see them, though.

Hey...

It's been a month but still trying to figure out what to do, I mean, I know what I wanna do but actually trying to figure out how to do it.
Shocking to have come back, wonderful to have seen people I love.
Kinda empty, kinda angry, kinda confused, kinda scared.
Still need some time, expect delays.